Expectations
I'm on vacation this week, and this has been on my mind.
I see it in my children, my wife, and me and in people we interact with.
I see the impact expectations have on how someone feels more than the event itself and it's something more people should be aware of.
The problem is multi-fold.
- You often don't realize you have expectations
- You don't convey your expectations to other people
- When your expectation isn't met you become upset
It doesn't have to be this way and my friend and past podcast guest, Ben Winter covered it when he was on the Growth Guide Podcast in a conversation about his book, What To Expect When Having Expectations.
You're Upset
When you're upset, the first question you need to ask yourself is why am I upset?
Often, what you're going to find is you have an unmet expectation.
For example, I may be upset my boys didn't unload the dishwasher and clean the kitchen after I cooked dinner for them.
But did I know I wanted them to unload the dishwasher and clean the kitchen?
A hack to happiness is twofold:
- Reduce your expectations
- Train yourself to notice your expectations
- When you have expectations, communicate them
Reduce Your Expectations
In N. America, we have high expectations.
A lot of these expectations are fed to us by social media, television and other forms of entertainment.
I've often referred to this as the Kardashian Effect, because the Kardashians were some of the first people to become famous by showing us what it meant to live the life of someone rich and famous.
The problem is, these expectations lead to unhappiness.
When we don't meet these subconscious expectations, we become unhappy.
Finland, which is regularly voted the happiest country on earth is said to be that way because the Finnish have low expectations.
The Nordic countries share a mindset of modesty and contentment. This outlook, embodied in the Law of Jante, reflects their unique approach to personal success. The Law of Jante includes concepts such as:
- You're not to think you are anything special.
- You're not to think you are as good as we are.
- You're not to think you are smarter than we are.
- You're not to imagine yourself better than we are.
- You're not to think you know more than we do.
- You're not to think you are more important than we are.
- You're not to think you are good at anything.
- You're not to laugh at us.
- You're not to think anyone cares about you.
- You're not to think you can teach us anything.
Wow, talk about losing expectations.
When you live with laws like this, you're likely to be grounded.
Train Yourself to Notice Expectations
Expectations are one thing.
The dangerous ones are the ones you don't notice.
It's impossible to voice expectations to people to be met if you don't even know you have them.
That's where training can come in.
You can train yourself to understand your expectations.
Through practices such as mindfulness, introspection or journaling, you can ask yourself, what do I want? What do I expect? Are my expectations being met?
Share Your Expectations
Once you've uncovered your expectations, the next question becomes have you communicated your expectations.
It's simple:
- No
- Yes
If you haven't communicated your expectations, you've got nothing to be upset by...Do You?
Imagine being upset because someone didn't do something you didn't tell them you wanted them to do...When you think of it like that, it's silly, isn't it?
Once you realize you haven't communicated your expectations, it allows you to do so—to have a conversation with the person you expected something from.
Two Way Street
Expectations don't go one way.
When you have expectations of someone, before you push them to hard, I'd ask you to seek to understand what their expectations are.
If you don't know their expectations, odds are they may be upset you haven't met them, and you won't meet them until you know them - think about it, it's your own situation in reverse.
The best thing to do at this point is have a conversation.
Share your expectations with them and ask them to share their expectations with you.
This is the last step.
You're having a conversation.
Where you want to end the conversation is with an Agreement.
This is the key.
It's not about expectations.
It's about agreements between people.
Whether it's your family, your friends or your colleagues.
You should not have unvoiced or even voiced expectations of them.
What you should have is an Agreement that both parties are aligned on, which allows you to move forward aligned.
Ben's put together a handy dandy chart that I thought would be valuable for you when it come's to expectations - it's a flow chart I find myself coming back to periodically:
TGG Podcast
This week on the Growth Guide Podcast, we talked to Scott H. Young about his latest book, Get Better at Anything: 12 Maxims for Mastery.
To get Better at Anything, you need three things:
- See it
- Do it yourself
- Get Feedback on it
You learn better when you see what experts do.
Then, you need to practice consistently and you'll improve your performance by incorporating feedback.
For more on how to Get Better at Anything, listen to this week's podcast on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can also watch on YouTube:
Last Word 👋
I love hearing from readers and I'm always looking for your feedback.
How I'm doing with the Growth Guide. Is there anything you want to see more of or less? Which aspects of the Newsletter or Podcast do you like the most?
Hit reply, say hello, and let me know what you think of Expectations.
I'd love to chat with you !
All my best,
Clint
