The Three Truths
We're out of town for our second week, relaxing and recharging as a family.
It's nice to be at our cottage, unplugged, spending time together.
We'll often have extended family up with us for a period of time and spend some time with just the four of us.
It's also wonderful that some of our closest friends have a cottage in the same gated community as we do up here so we're able to spend time with them on the boat, in the lake, playing Pickleball or just hanging out.
Today, as I write this, it's my 46th birthday and I had a fantastic day with my family and friends. Here's a tidbit we wrote that you might like. It's had more than a million views so far and I expect that will grow overnight:
It's not all great, though, which brings us to today's newsletter, which is short but important.
The Fight
Yesterday, while eating breakfast on the deck and watching the lake, I heard some yelling from inside the house. Shortly after, our youngest son stormed out onto the deck and flipped out.
If you have multiple siblings of the same sex, I expect you'll know where this is going.
Our two boys were fighting, and it got pretty bad, according to my sister.
They were going to play a certain card game but disagreed on what that might look like.
When the little guy said he was going to do something else, his brother said Good, nobody wants you to play anyway.
Like any little brother, he'd had enough.
His big brother likes to poke him and prod him until he reacts.
It doesn't help that he doesn't have strong emotional regulation capabilities, which resulted in him hitting his brother multiple times.
Having had enough, our big boy gave his little brother a shot and sent him to the ground.
The problem, you see, is these two boys have a distinct size discrepancy between them, which means they should never come to this stage, it's silly and dangerous. I mean, seriously, my oldest boy is bigger than I am and weighs twice as much as his brother.
The Aftermath
To cool everything off, our youngest son went down to the kids bedroom and tried to calm himself.
I had a conversation with my sister, my oldest son and my two nieces to understand what had happened and I went down to talk to my little guy.
I lay in bed with him, cuddled him and talked.
He was sad, angry and felt everyone was against him.
I told him I had his back. I was here to listen and I wanted to share some thinking with him.
You see, he fell for the Three Truths Problem and he didn't even know what it was or how to deal with it.
We talked, we shared, I told him some things to think about, and we brought his big brother down to see if we could rectify the current issue and reduce future reoccurrences.
The Three Truths Problem
The Three Truths Problem is powerful when you're dealing with people who are arguing and it can help you mediate the situation. When it comes to the truth of the matter, using my boys as an example,
- There's Caiden's (Eldest) Truth
- There's Tripp's (Youngest) Truth
- There's the reality, which is often between
There's only one reality, but each person brings their own lens to it.
My youngest son says his brother said nobody wants you to play anyway.
My sister and eldest son say Caiden said fine, then, don't play. We'll play without you.
Those are very different truths.
The reality may be somewhere between them.
But, in the heat of the moment, we often can't think of the other person's point of view and get stuck in our own lens.
To overcome the Three Truths Problem, we have to:
- Take control our mind
- Increase the stimulus response gap
Mind Control
The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.
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- Robin Sharma
For most of my life, my mind was my master.
When I was dealing with someone, as my youngest son did in this situation, my inner voice would scream at me that he'd said we don't want you to play anyway.
I understood where my little guy was coming from.
For 33 years, I had the exact same inability to control my inner mind. It wasn't my servant, it was my terrible master.
This is the conversation I had with my son.
I shared with him the Three Truths Problem and said what you heard may not align with what was said and he continued to flip out, screaming at me I'm not lying, I'm not lying.
I made it clear I didn't think he was lying.
I understood he heard what he heard and expressed that.
And, I made it clear it didn't mean that was what was actually said.
He was confused, he didn't understand, which is why we broke the Three Truths down further and how we could control his mind.
The key, you see, is understanding the voice inside your head doesn't always have your best interest at heart.
It's listening to it not as your master, but as your servant.
In his book, Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy, Dr. Burns taught me how to take control of my mind.
Thought auditing, we've talked about it before.
When your inner voice shares a Truth, write it down and on the other side of the page, write 3-5 more logical truths.
What you'll soon realize is the Truth your mind originally told you was a lie.
You'll start to listen to it less and take charge of when you use your mind for your desired purposes.
The Stimulus-Response Gap
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
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- Viktor Frankl
This has always been one of my favorite quotes.
It's what I've been working on for the last decade or more to be a better man, father and husband.
When we can increase the gap between our stimulus and response, we're more likely to maintain control of our minds and less likely to fall victim to the Three Truths Problem.
But, how do we increase the Gap?
Some simple ideas we've talked about in the past:
- Breathe
- Meditate
- Mindfulness
- Count to yourself
An emotional reaction takes about 90 seconds to flush its way through your body.
When you feel emotionally triggered, ask for a timeout, as I suggested to my two boys.
Of course, they laughed at me and said bruh thinks you can ask for a timeout in real life.
I didn't share the science and practices behind the recommendation, though I may in the future.
This is where the count to yourself comes in. Ask for time and use that time to calm yourself down.
The number one way I recommend to calm yourself down in that 90 seconds is to practice box breathing, which could look like 5 seconds in-breath, 5 second hold, 5 seconds out-breath, 5 second hold.
The benefit of the box-breathing is it stimulates your parasympathetic system, which produces a calm and relaxed feeling in your mind and body.
I practice it throughout the day, every day.
If you can't recall, my favorite definition of mindfulness, which I've cobbled together over time, it's Paying Attention to the Present Moment on Purpose Without Judgment.
Mindfulness is what we want to attain.
The ability to be with our thoughts in the present moment. To truly be listening to the person we're talking to, which is a powerful way to avoid the Three Truths Problem.
To attain Mindfulness, we practice meditation.
When it comes to difficulties with friends, family or colleagues, I often recommend a loving-kindness meditation and intend to record a free example in the future, which I'll share with you.
That's it, that's everything today.
When you're in conflict, recognize the Three Truths Problem.
To get yourself out of it, breathe, take time to let your emotions release and be mindful of the present moment.
To avoid getting into the situation in the first place, take control of your mind and be present.
TGG Podcast
This week on the Growth Guide Podcast, we dive into a topic we all face at some point - Hitting the Wall.
Hitting the wall. It happens.
When you're attempting to operate at a high level across a number of areas, odds are, youโll hit the wall.
Fortunately, when you've hit the wall before, you learn how to bounce back.
When you feel yourself running full out and the gas tank is starting to empty, be aware of it.
When you start to examine whatโs contributing to the pain, you can start to prioritize (1) what matters, (2) what needs to get done, and (3) you can apply the 3 Ds:
- Defer
- Delete
- Delegate
To hear more about Hitting the Wall, listen to the Growth Guide Podcast on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also watch on YouTube:
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Last Word ๐
I love hearing from readers and I'm always looking for your feedback.
How I'm doing with the Growth Guide. Is there anything you want to see more of or less? Which aspects of the Newsletter or Podcast do you like the most?
Hit reply, say hello, and let me know what you think of The Three Truths Problem.
I'd love to chat with you !
All my best,
Clint
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